Bridal Shower Melt Down?
July 30th, 2010 | 
Author: My friend has made me her maid of honour. Heres the deal. I have opted to throw her a Bridal shower, the guest list has jumped from 25 to 50 people, and half of the guests she doesn’t even know. Having the shower at someones house is not an option, and it seems everytime I suggest something to her, she freaks out. For example, I suggested having the event catered, very simple food, nothing too fancy. The other Brides maids have not offered to help out AT ALL. I have helped cater large events like this, and I know the amount of food that is needed. When I try to explain this to the rest of the group, they tell me I am over reacting, and that we don’t need anything more then a few veggie trays and some appetizers. The Brides aunt suggested Pot Luck. Isn’t it rude to ask your guests to come to a party, bring a gift, bring food and travel? It feels like I have 10 people trying to tell me what to do, but no one wants to help out.
I have also been told by the bride and her aunt that I am expected to pay for half of the festivities because I am the M.O.H. Can anyone help me out, should I just step down, and let the family take the shower and run with it? I’m trying to be a good friend, but when I ask the Bride what she wants, she never gives me a definite answer, and tells me just to talk to her aunt. The Bride also freaked out on me a week ago, when I forwarded the guest list to her, sent to me by her Mother in Law, and saw that there were 25 people on the list she didn’t even know. Then she emailed me back, stating who cares, she’ll get presents from them. Is it wrong that I want nothing to do with this shower now?
I think bowing out is my best option. I have no control over the guest list. Her Mother in law added 25 people that the Bride has never met. I suggested an intimate shower with close friends and family, but that just doesn’t seem to be cutting it. Thats what the Bride wanted, but shes quite intimidated by her mother in law to be, I don’t really see that it should be my job to tell her mother in law to back off with the guest list, potentially creating a riff between her and the bride, or the bride and myself. Bowing out is my option, and I think thats what I will do.
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Wow. I can certainly understand how you feel. I wouldn’t feel right asking guests to bring food. Maybe the people planning it should make stuff as opposed to catering, if that’s possible? I think appetizers and veggie trays seem appropriate unless the shower is going to carry on. I wasn’t even involved in planning the shower for my wedding. My moh and her mother planned the day along with help from my mother. They had it at my parents’ house. They just did sandwiches and desserts. It was simple but elegant. I was not expecting one because my moh doesn’t drive. She has MD. She’s just my oldest friend (known her the longest) and that’s why I asked her.
It sounds like the bride is stressed out by her family. You have to do what is right for you. If you want to out then get out now. Don’t wait. You don’t want to end a friendship here by staying when your heart isn’t in it. Time for some soul searching and what you can reasonably expect of yourself.
What can you do? I’m someone who wouldn’t handle this well or I don’t think so. Maybe I would surprise myself. I prefer no drama. Let’s do what needs to be done. Let’s just agree on a plan. It’s not going to be perfect but we can do our best. Compromise. Be fair. Be reasonable.
Y’know what? Forget it. They are all nuts and all selfish and all way off the chart as far as etiquette and responsibility and even civility are concerned. You need to jump ship right now, this minute, and let her family deal with it this is way too much for you to deal with with all the different cooks spoiling the broth, it has gotten out of hand. Bow out and let them fix their own mess and you stay out of it altogether.
definetly ask the other people in the bridal party to help
Ok, first of all, calm down… relax.
I know its hard, but if you don’t you won’t be able to make rational decisions.
You need to call on the other girls in the wedding party, the brides maids. Even if they didn’t offer, they know it’s part of their responsibility. You have to tell them what to do, assign them duties. Have a little meeting and be like ok, who’s going to call around and find a place for this. (Maybe someone lives in an apartment and can rent their clubhouse…) Who’s going to decorate/buy the plates, napkins,etc?
Who’s going to get food? Don’t make a big deal about the food. Chips, dip, sandwiches, veggie trays, punch is FINE. Don’t forget a cake (put someone in charge of the cake).
Have all the girls pitch in $25 or whatever you think will cover the cost.
OH, and NO potluck!!!!!!!!! That’s the tackiest thing I have ever heard. The bride has too many things to worry about now, she shouldn’t have to have this on her plate too. It’ll be fine. You are just stressing out because you don’t want to mess this up, but everything will be fine. Invite all those people and know that many of them won’t even show up.
Step Down.
The Bride Sounds like she has
"Borderline personality disorder"
Now I am not a Dr. But I adopted a teen with it.( unbeknown to us at the time)
Its why nobody will help her. Let her Aunt do it all. A pot luck is what to expect from her. Then she has to do even less and people will still come out in HOARDS just to see her get married.
These folks are just hard to deal with and they exhaust you to the end of your limit. Just look up BPD and see if I am right.
Quick!
Quick!
Resign now!
If they ask for a reason tell them that you consistently have not been able to perform up to their standards so you would like to get out of the way so that you do not ruin the bride’s wedding. Recommend that they find someone better than you for the role.
It is not a necessity for the MOH to throw the bridal shower but if you opt to do it then you are expected to pay for it (whomever throws a party pays for it, bridal shower or not). Now if you wan the other BM’s to help out you should have asked for their assistance and ideas and maybe a contribution from everyone (something small like $25 or $50 dollars). If her aunt wants to run things , let her, including the bill. Tell the aunt, "the members of the wedding party are contributing $500 to this affair and you can pay for anyone else you’d like to attend". Hold the party at an unusual venue to save some money and order food that is inexpensive but will last. If you don’t serve real food the guests will see the party as a "gift hunt" rather than a celebration for the bride.The bride is your friend, do what you think she would want (like have it in a place she’s love). If the family can’t handle that then let them do it all.
My first reaction to your cry for help is to tell you to bow out gracefully. Tell your friend you love her dearly and that you would love to be her maid of honor. But that you have to bow out because you just cannot afford to do what she is expecting of you. Financially and physically. If no one wants to help.
On the flip side: Here are my thoughts:(1) If you are to host the bridal shower as you have mentioned that you opted to, you must have a budget and a plan to go with it. Work with the bride to Cut the guest list to intimate few. Lets not forget why bridal showers came to be. (2) Drinks,Veggie trays and appetizers will work just fine with the intimate few. Just bring lots of fun games, advise , tips and suggestions for the bride to be. (3) the option of pot luck is not rude. Hard times call for creative measures. If the intimate few agree to it, it can be fun. Organize it in a way that there will be a variety.
The key to a successfule bridal shower is intimacy. Gifts don’t have to be expensive. Guests are limited to closest friends and relatives. Those that she knows and knows her.
You’re giving me flashbacks of when I was a maid of honor for a bridezilla like that! Only thing, NO ONE helped me and there were 90 people they invited, yep, you read that right, NINETY and I had to pay for the WHOLE shower! It cost me WELL OVER a thousand dollars and I should have backed out and didn’t. I was treated like the dirt up until and during the wedding day. She even took the cash I gave as a wedding gift and told the groom that it was ONLY for her! Like I would give a wedding gift to the bride and not the groom.
I was treated like crap at the shower by the bride and the families did NOT chip in, I think it was her mother in law that gave me $100 back, that’s it out of all i spent. I believe the total was $1500 and the bridal party had NOTHING to do with it, didn’t call me nothing and neither did anyone else, after I had everything done, her in laws tried to cancel it and do a backyard party, which would mean I’d lose all the money so I made sure that didn’t happen.
I’m not going to tell you what to do about backing out but I will say you need to sit down and have a talk with your friend because backing out could end a friendship and you have to decide if you’re willing to let the friendship go. Think about that before you do anything drastic. If you’re find with losing this friend, and it may happen, then back out. I personally would sit down and have a talk with her and tell her how you feel and that if something doesn’t change and you don’t get some help and her support, then you can no longer be her maid of honor and take on those duties. You are giving HER the decision and putting it ON HER to do something and you’re telling her SHE has to support YOU in this now, and you’re letting her know you can’t do it and that if you don’t get the help you need, you can’t do it either. SO, she knows what to expect. Then it’s in her court and it’s her decision what’s going to happen next. Then she can’t say you just up and left and quit everything, you can say you did everything in your power and you gave her the chance to fix things before walking away.
I wish you luck, I KNOW how hard it is, and the stressful level is through the roof when you’re dealing with someone that acts like this. They put everything on everyone else so they don’t have to bother with it and they feel you’ll just take care of it. You’re NOT overreacting, but I would call her and tell you need to talk and tell her it’s very important that you two do talk, if she brushes you off, tell her that it’s a matter of her having a shower and a maid of honor, that you need to talk to her and her support. Then tell her what’s going on and that you need her support and help in getting others to help you through this because you can’t do it alone and if she can’t, then you can’t either. It’s not right to put it all on you. I do know that as the maid of honor you have to chip in for the shower that is part of the duties, for half, I’m not sure, I’ve always done half or more so I’m not sure, but if you can’t afford half, you tell her that! You can’t give what you don’t have and you tell her that, it’s up to the other girls, even if they give $10 each, it’s better than nothing! It’s more than what you have from them now! Sit down, talk to her, and tell her you need some changes made.
Don’t just walk away though, you may lose her as a friend that way, talk to her first and see how that goes, walking away from this may also be walking away from a friendship and you don’t want to do something you may later regret.
Good luck!
Back out and say you appriciate the nomination to the maid of honor position, but you just can’t do it anymore. The bride may consider you a best friend, but her family is taking you for a financial ride.
Since you are getting stuck with all the responsibility I say do what you want. Start delegating to the other maids on what they need to do. I’m sure making an appetizer, handling small amounts of decorations or buying/making a cake won’t break anyone’s bank. Stop trying to please everyone and just plan it the way you think it would turn out the best. It will be fine and the bride will be happy. If not, it’s her problem, you already asked her opinion……